Fictional? Very Funny
by Woe is Me
Summary: Harry Potter finds out he's fictional. How will he react? What will he do? Will I ever be able to write good summaries? --CHAPTER 3 IS UP--
1. In the Janitor's Closet

Harry Potter (you know, that weird nerd with that messed up scar on his head, abnormally good luck, thick skull, you know who I'm talking about) was walking in a corridor with Ron.

"So, for some reason we don't have classes right now because...well we had to have some free time...so where do you want to go for no apparent reason?" Harry asked Ron.

"Oh, man! Dude, I know this like totally sweet new spot where we can totally chill like we're dawgs man, totally!" Ron said.

"Ron?"

"Yeah, what up, dude? Tell me what you thinking man, come on spit it out dude!"

"Why are you talking like that?"

"I dunno. Just decided to catch up with the time, you know?"

"No."

"Chill, man, we're cool."

"No, it's kind of warm right now."

"My brother, man, dude, oh man."

"So what is this 'sweet spot' you speak about, Ron?" Harry asked stupidly.

"Right here, my brother!" Ron and Harry stopped at a small door.

"Oooh, if it's sweet, that must mean it's another secret passageway to that weird Hogsmeade candy store! Ooooh, I'm SO excited! Weee!" Harry clapped his hands excitedly and girlishly.

Ron opened the door to reveal a small janitor's closet.

"Ain't it sweet?" Ron asked.

Harry picked up a mop and licked it. "Tastes a bit salty to me. And where's Hogsmeade?" Harry asked.

"This ain't no Hogsmeade, brother! It's the closet, man!" Ron picked up a small dustpan filled with the remains of a rat. "Hey look! It's Peter Pettigrew! Oh dawg!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry squealed and climbed to the top of the mop he had previously been licking. "Dog? Where? I'm afraid of big canines!" Harry cried.

"Not dog man! Dawg!" Ron explained.

"What's the difference?"

"Aw, dude. Totally sad," Ron said, shaking his head slowly and referring to Harry Potter.

(I wrote 'referring to Harry Potter' for all you idiots out there reading this.

But if you are an idiot, how can you read?

I must ponder that. Anyway, on with the story.)

So anyway, Harry and Ron were in the janitor's closet. Harry was examining a bucket of vomit from Neville from earlier that day when Mr. Longbottom had been observing one of the Ripley's Believe it or Not books. (When Neville spewed, or barfed, Seamus Finnigan and friends laughed at him hysterically and named him 'Ne-spill Longbutt.'

Just then Hermione swung open the janitor closet door. "Ron! Harry! I've been looking all over for you! I simply must tell you something! It's truly very important!"

"Get away from us you fat ugly cow who grazes on the cud of information!" Ron said angrily.

"Why Ron, that's quite intelligent of you! It must have taken you all week to think that up for me!" Hermione said.

Ron smiled proudly. "Well actually, it took me this past month. Aren't you proud of me, Hermione? And look, I made up another one: Hermione, you are a stinky poopy butthead. Do you like it? Aren't you so proud?"

"Very proud, you Weasel," Hermione said, kissing Ron on the nose. Ron giggled.

"Your relationship is very strange," Harry said.

"Indeed!" Ron and Hermione exclaimed.


	2. Harry finds out the Awful Truth

Harry, Ron and Hermione started walking out of the janitor's closet.

"So what's this that you wanted to talk about, Dirty Sewage Toilet?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Dirty Sewage Toilet?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just think of you as Dirty Sewage Toilet in my mind," Harry apologized.

"Dirty Sewage Toilet?" Ron started breaking out into hysteric fits of laughter. "Oh dawg!"

"Doooooooooooogggggg!!!!!" Harry scrambled up a hanging lamp to the top of the ceiling and trembled.

"No, Harry dude! Dawg, not dog!" Ron called up.

"What? Two dogs? Oh no! I'll never get down!" Harry squeaked.

"There is no dog, Harry! Come down!" Hermione called.

"What? Did you say it was just a hot dog?" Harry asked, down in a flash.

"I want a hot dog!" he said, looking around frantically for the meaty lunch.

"Listen you two. I have something urgent to tell you," Hermione said gravely.

"Let's discuss this over some fried chipmunk sundae," Ron suggested.

Soon the three friends found themselves at the Great Hall digging into a sundae with spoons.

"Tasty!" Harry said, chewing on chipmunk tail soaked in vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce.

"Listen guys...this is important," Hermione said.

"What is it already?" Ron asked angrily.

"OK: So I was in the library, researching hippogriffs, only because I need to emphasize my nerdiness for the sake of this story..." Hermione began.

"Wait a minute, Dirty Sewage Toilet! What story are you talking about?" Harry inquired.

Ron cracked up again at the mention of Dirty Sewage Toilet.

"Shut up you Weasel!" Hermione cried.

"Yeah, well you're a...a...a book reader!" Ron screamed, pointing an accusing finger to Hermione.

"Why, Ronnie poo, another insult! I love it!" Hermione squealed, squeezing Ron.

"Thank you, Chunky Butt!"

"OK, OK, enough insults, just tell us whatever you have to tell us, Hermione! And what story?" Harry asked, slurping up more of the chipmunk sundae.

"That's what I'm telling you! So anyways, I was in the library..."

"Chewing on the cud of information!"

"Yes, Ron, I **was** reading. So then I saw Parvati and Lavender enthralled in this fat book, with badly-drawn illustrations on the cover. It was called "HARRY POTTER." So I asked what the girls were reading, and they said they were reading the Harry Potter book, which was like the best story in the world, and so I decided to look at it, you see."

"Wait a minute, somebody is sneaking around, spying on me, making a documentary of my life! I bet it's that Colin Creevey! He told me when he grows up, he's going to join the paparazzi..." Harry started ranting and raving, but was cut short by Hermione's logic.

"Hush Harry! That's exactly what I thought, it was a non-fiction textbook, but it wasn't! I looked at the beginning pages, before the real text started, and I looked down at the category, and it said Fiction! I knew it was some sort of mistake, so then I called the phone number on the back cover for this Scholastic book company, and the guy on the phone said there was no mistake and all of the Harry Potter books are fictional!"

"Wait a minute, ALL of the Harry Potter books?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, there's a series!" Hermione cried.

"So...I'm fictional?" Harry asked.

Hermione nodded slowly. "All of us are, Harry."

Harry's face suddenly grew white and cold. He fell over, lifeless.

"Harry's fainted!" Ron cried.


	3. Strange Happenings in the Hospital Wing

**Extremely Long Unneeded Author's Note:**

I have finally updated! Hoo-rah! This new chappie is completely and utterly dedicated to one of my biggest (and probably one of my only) fans, LightningSt0rm! You've made me happily await your interesting and original, amazing, Insane and Sane duel reviews! And you've been pushing me to get off my butt and UPDATE! So here this is! Sorry it's taken so long...I thought of deleting this story but luckily you stopped me. I wrote another version of this chappie, but it was so freaking bad I decided to rewrite it and this is SO MUCH better. OK...I know this Author's Note is WAY too long...but whatever. Go on now! Read and review!

* * *

"Harry! Oh, Harry? Yoo hoo! Anyone in there?"

Harry heard voices, but his eyes seemed to be glued shut.

He then felt a repeated rapping on his forehead, like someone was trying to see if his head was hollow.

"He's out cold, Her-hinee." That was certainly Ron, Harry could tell.

"What did you just call me?" Obviously Hermione.

"Nothing at all, Puke Face."

"Oh, Ron! My dah-ling!"

Harry's eyes snapped open just in time to see Ron and Hermione leaning in for a kiss.

"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TWO DOING?' Harry screeched.

"Erm...sweeping the chimney!" Ron said off the top of his head.

"What chimney?" Harry demanded.

"This one, right here! Don't you see it, Harry? There must be something wrong with your glasses," Hermione said matter-of-factly, pretending to touch an imaginary chimney that stood between Hermione and Ron.

"How is grabbing each other's shoulders and puckering out your lips and then leaning in to each other cleaning the chimney?" Harry asked, one eyebrow raised suspiciously.

"It's just part of the dance," Ron lied quickly.

"What dance?" Harry asked yet again.

"This one!"

Hermione and Ron swung their arms over each other's shoulders and lifted their legs up in the air, as if beginning to do the can-can, but then turned around and bumped their bottoms together. They then spun around like mad people, and skipped in a circle. All the while they sang, "Chim, chim cheree, chim chim cheree, chim chim cheroo!"

"Wow." Harry said, his eyes wide in terror.

Hermione put her hands on her hips in a cocky fashion. "Well, clearly Harry, you've never seen Mary Poppins. Honestly, that's a classic!"

"And you have, Ron?" Harry asked.

"Oh yes! Numerous times!" Ron began spinning and singing. "Just a spoonful of sugar, helps the medicine go down..."

As Ron continued his happy peppy little dance, Harry finally began to notice his surroundings.

He could tell he was in the Hospital Wing. He was lying in a bed, propped up on the pillows. The paintings were of course and as usual, doing extremely strange things.

Suddenly Madame Pomfrey walked in, her white nursie robes swishing madly.

"Mr. Weasely, you stop that dance this very minute or I'll shove this shot up your rectum!" she threatened.

Ron squealed and ran under a chair and quivered.

"Madame Pomfrey, will Harry be all right?" Hermione asked, glancing at her geeky friend.

Madame Pomfrey knelt by Harry's bedside. "Oh yes, yes, he shall be fine. He's just suffered from a bit of shock. Do you remember anything, Potter?" she asked inquisitively.

"Oh vaguely, yes, but the thought is so absurd! It must be a dream! Hermione, Ron, and me were sitting in the Great Hall eating...chipmunk or something...and Hermione said some nonsense like I was fictional and there's a whole series of books about me! Then it all went black. Then suddenly I found myself in a wonderful world of joy and beauty! I was skipping merrily through fluffy pink clouds in a spectacular green lush meadow! Flowers blossomed at my delicate feet, and all my little birdie and butterfly friends flew with me! And bunnies were falling from the sky, and I ran around with a basket catching all of them!" Harry said excitedly.

Ron had come out from under the chair and was sitting on the floor listening intently to the story. "Oh Harry, that story sounds wonderful! Tell it again, oh please do!" Ron said clapping his hands happily.

"Harry, I have some good news, and some bad news," Madame Pomfrey said.

"Tell the good news! Ooooh! Yay!" Ron said joyfully. Hermione smacked Ron on the back of his hollow head.

"Well, the good news the whole girlish pretty pink part that happened after everything went black was a dream," Madame Pomfrey said.

"Awwwww," Harry and Ron said disappointedly, lowering their eyes sadly.

"The bad news is that...Harry, you ARE fictional," Madame Pomfrey said.

"Come again?" Harry asked.


End file.
